girls raised around men

my home was full of estrogen.
women talking over each other.
women remembering birthdays and recipes and details nobody else noticed.
women carrying entire emotional ecosystems quietly and efficiently.

i was raised surrounded by femininity.

and yet somehow, most of my life has unfolded around men.

male industries.
male approval.
male leadership.
male anger.
male ego.
male humor.
male emotional avoidance.
male dominated rooms where softness is often interpreted as weakness until it becomes profitable.

i learned early how to survive those environments.

how to be warm but not naïve.
pretty but competent.
confident but never threatening enough to trigger insecurity too loudly.

girls raised around men become anthropologists of tone.

we learn volume control.
facial expressions.
when to joke.
when to soften.
when to let a man think the idea was his.
when to stop speaking entirely.

you learn quickly that men often hear women differently depending on:
how beautiful she is.
how emotional she sounds.
how agreeable she remains while delivering the information.

and maybe that sounds cynical.

but spend enough years in male dominated spaces and eventually you stop confusing observation for bitterness.

i do not hate men.
i actually love men deeply.

the gentleness in good men has saved parts of me.

but loving men and understanding the environments they create are two different things.

because women who grow up around male spaces learn contradiction early.

you learn some men will respect your intelligence privately and resent it publicly.
you learn some men are comfortable with ambitious women only as long as those women remain emotionally convenient.
you learn being “one of the guys” is often conditional.
you learn how quickly warmth can become objectification depending on the room.

and perhaps most dangerously:
you learn how easy it is to begin shaping yourself around male comfort without realizing it.

that part took me years to untangle.

because i became very skilled at translating myself into versions that fit rooms better.

less emotional.
less intense.
less feminine.
less needy.
less visibly hurt.
less complicated.

more useful.
more polished.
more agreeable.
more impressive.
more digestible.

and yet.

the older i get, the more i find myself returning to women.

women who speak honestly.
women who understand invisible labor without explanation.
women who know how exhausting it is to survive while still remaining soft.
women who do not require performance in order to offer belonging.

i think girls raised around men spend part of adulthood learning how to return home to women again.

including themselves.